Monday I cashed in 0 out of 7 MTTs but as my last few were still going I played a few tables of .25NL. My session went horrible and after a few nasty beats I felt like I couldn't possibly get off the tables fast enough. My play became subpar and I logged off all the cash tables and basically punted off my last MTT by overplaying hands. It is hard to admit feeling that level of weakness while playing. I was mentally spent and lost my care. I was looking for any hand that was good enough to get all the chips in with. I know part of it, is me chasing and wanting to win to fast.
I worked very hard in 2010 and early 2011 to build up my poker bankroll, and then Black Friday happened. Brutal part for me personally is that after my motorcycle wreck in 2005 I was lucky enough to get a small settlement thanks to having a good lawyer. I went to some old men I had known for a while for advice and one of them confidence scammed me out of 50k, which was most of what I had. I thought I was making a sound investment and was strung along for a couple years being told lie after lie, but then the downfall was blamed on the economy. After some reflection and minor investigating I am pretty sure I was scammed. Needless to say when I had built my poker roll up to a sizable amount after starting at the micros and working my way, I was proud and felt some vindication. I was happy that I was able to build back up after getting taken advantage of during the worst period of my life. It made me feel strong and gave me the feeling that no matter what happened I could always pull through.
I was devastated when the DOJ came down on the sites and Absolute Poker and Full Tilt just didn't pay us out. At first I just decided I would not play online until it was legal. I cut my teeth live in the casino's and did not think I would have any problem making money there. It started out well with me getting 3rd in the first live event I played post BF. We actually did a chip chop 10 handed and then played for 5k, 3k, 2k for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. After it was all said and done I ended up with the most money but a third place finish. Then I went to Vegas for thirty-two days and ended up losing about 20k. It was a great experience, but it was full of lots of bubbles. The only tournament I won was the $130 10pm daily at the Rio and I only played it once, at least I won something. After the series I just went back to grinding live and traveling to any poker tournaments within driving distance and was able to recoup some of my WSOP losses. Then in November and December I hit a string of main event bubbles, not dead bubbles, but within ten or so of the money half a dozen times. At this time I also took a downswing at 2/5NL and just ended the year miserably. I took a break early 2012 and then played a live event at Hard Rock Tulsa. I was not able to do much, but my buddy had an 11k cash.
After taking a break and then getting up in the middle of it again I always feel like, "Why have I not been here". I feel like, "This is where I belong", and "get out and play". It was right after this that I deposited on Carbon and started playing online again. Luckily the first day back I bink a 3rd in a 11c for 1k and it gets me started. I run it up to about 1.8k before going on an eight day down swing. I was playing a little to high even though I was trying to be aware, but the 200-300 dollars days added up quick. The last few days I lowered my buy-ins and have added in some cash play but was still not getting winner.
I noticed during my session today that my head just wasn't right and started explaining it to a friend. I don't want to lie to myself about how I am playing or have false beliefs that I am just getting unlucky. Granted I have gotten unlucky in several spots but if after that you're playing emotional, or chasing, then you're playing bad and I was. I thought it was important to try and realize it as fast as possible and then do something about it. I quit playing and went to get food and movies and planned on spending the rest of the evening relaxing with no idea when I was going to play next. The one thing I did know is that I was not playing again until I felt like my head was right and I could play optimally.
I watched one movie and while preparing to watch the second I got online. While online I started talking with my friend about my mindset and things to do to get past it. Then all of the sudden I starting getting the itch to play. I decided to play one table while watching the movie. I wanted to play at a relaxed pace and just try to make good decisions. I played one table through that movie, and then I watched another movie and two tabled during it. After the third movie of the night, but the second one I played through, I was still enjoying playing. I really felt I was playing and thinking good so I decided to load up six .25NL tables and play a session. I ended up having an enjoyable session and I won six buy-ins. The biggest difference was just how I felt. The talk with my friend was a big help, but I think the biggest part was just being honest with myself. I noticed my head was not right and quit playing until I could figure it out. I then slowly stepped back into playing on just one table the next I felt like playing and the results followed.
I guess if I was trying to sum up the experience I would offer this. Be honest with yourself and how you're playing at all times. If you know you are playing sub-optimally, quit. Try to hone in on what helps you find your own personal comfort zone and then try to do the things it takes to replicate the situation.
I really hope some of y'all can relate to the things I have been going through and I am able to help you get through it like I have. Know what you are doing and why you are doing it. Play good and get that money. Good luck all.
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